THE SEYMOUR MONKEY CHRONICLES:

Death stare inside a Kensington fleapit greets me upon waking. A passive aggression blizzard is all consuming. Digging myself a shallow grave with each word.

“I thought you had your own ticket?”

Eurostar from Waterloo to Paris - Separate seats, separate carriages. I should have questioned the travel agent. I should have double-checked the ticket. I should have chosen my travelling companions more wisely. 

Aboard the intercontinental rollercoaster - Space age aerodynamics and a driver who really fanged it through the countryside leaving thatched roofs and hedges a blur.  Face painted Scots in kilts down smuggled beer cans and speak in tongues about today’s show down with Brazil. Coup de Monde is the biggest game in town. I vowed to become a football slut and trade my allegiances on a whim as we traversed Europe. “Allez Les Bleu!” for today.

Sacre Coeur atop Montmarte signposts out arrival in Paris. I walk through the carriages to rejoin the ice queen. 
On the streets loud American supporters make themselves known as we lump our bags from Gare du North to Gare de L’Est. Spelling out their nations initials to all and sundry.  “Loo – S – er” we echo.  We share our first joke in months.  We got lost. We backtracked. She twirled her map like a steering wheel. I played pack mule.

Six hours to kill till the train to Zurich. We hit the crowded metro. Conversation becomes pointless as Channel Silence resumes transmission. My navigation goes astray as three stations along I twig that Sortie isn’t the name of the station we embarked from, so much for my schoolboy French. She revels in her control of the map.  I follow like a puppy. She leads like I am a Messerschmitt on her tail.

We take the Eiffel lift through a nineteenth century Meccano set.  The Parisian streetscape unfolds like channels cut through uniform blocks of white cheese. I take first dibs on the telescope. She channels Morgan le Fay and disappears in a cloud of smoke.  Our romantic holiday has not even lasted past the first landmark. Sortie stage left.