THE SEYMOUR MONKEY CHRONICLES:

Ha Long Bay is only about 100 kilometres from Hanoi but the trip takes over three hours due to the traffic. On the way we heard yet another dragon creation story from our guide Huong. As far as we could tell dragons had built, lived in, fought over and pissed on just about every notable geographic feature in the country. Everywhere is dragon this or that. Ha Noi and Ha Long were apparently created by the same dragon with the capital city being named after where it launched itself into the sky (Ascending Dragon) and the bay being where it returned to earth (Descending Dragon). Unfortunately we didn’t have the benefit of dragon transit so we suffered the slow slog along the highway.

Paul was an ex copper from Detroit. He had worked the infamous 8 Mile strip made famous by the Eminem film. He had thrown this in a few years before and for the past year had been teaching English in South Korea. He was loosely traveling with a pack of other teachers who had finished their contracts and were on a journey through South East Asia - There was an American couple, a kiwi and a Canadian. Paul confided that he was struggling to keep up with their nightly grog sessions.

Also on the bus were a pommy girl and guy who had just finished uni and were traveling together as friends. “We’re together but not TOGETHER if you know what I mean.” Then there were a Danish brother and sister, a couple of guys from Melbourne, an Irish doctor named Bernie and her friend, and a quiet Spaniard named Carlos. Together we all found ourselves on a Junk cruising through the amazing limestone formations of Ha Long Bay with attentive waiters supplying Saigon beers on demand. Life was good.

Trying to describe Ha Long bay is ultimately pointless. The photos do not do it justice and words fail. It is an immersive experience. The limestone monoliths surround you as you sail through them. Sound echoes across the still waters as the junks wind through the maze of outcrops. The best way to visualise it is to think of the Twelve Apostles on steroids, covered in jungle and multiplied by several hundred scattered across an area the size of Port Phillip Bay. You half expect to stumble upon a Bond villain’s secret lair around every corner.     

We stopped off at a small jetty and disembarked. The main feature of the large cave we entered was a large rock formation shaped like an erect penis. To further ensure that visitors got the joke it was bathed in pink from a strategically placed spot light.  Elsewhere we passed less phallic attractions such as temples built atop rock pillars and secluded beaches hidden in little alcoves. We ate and drank well as the boat meandered on thankful that we had left the wet season further south and Rosie was keen to top up her tan. As the sun began to slip behind the limestone pillars we moored against one of the floating fish farms that dot the bay to a chorus of barking dogs.

Small huts sit on the floating rafts made from beams lashed to 44 gallon drums. Life on the waterline - Here whole families, complete with their scrawny dogs that scurry like rats along the wet woodwork, live tending to small netted in enclosures filled with fish that they are fattening up for market. These small islands serve an additional purpose as mooring stations for kayaks and canoes servicing the tour boats. Within minutes of arrival Rosie and I found our selves paddling a kayak through the still waters to the sound of a strange thwacking sound that echoed off the cliffs. As we ventured further from the boat we encountered other paddlers decked out in helmets and life jackets and pondered the carefree attitude of our guides to safety. I thought that they might at least have been keeping an eye on us till we settled our sizable bar tab.

As we approached a larger floating village we identified the source of the sound that had provided a harsh drum beat on our approach. Several Vietnamese fish farmers were standing around a net belting the contents like the O’Toole family on a seventies World Of Sport woodchop showdown. Battered fish apparently taken to the extreme.

On return to the boat we saw out the last rays of daylight with a swim in the bath like water, hanging bombs off the boats sun deck. Another seafood feast awaited us inside as the Captain fished for squid off the side of the boat with a spotlight and net. We chatted over fish and chilli prawns with the Danes swapping Princes Mary gossip and soccer yarns.  

The rest of the evening descended into a boozy party as more Saigon beers were downed and a bottle of six dollar Vietnamese Vodka emerged from a back pack. Bernie told of how she had been physically booted from their room in Hanoi when she had booked her tour through a different agent than the approved hotel outlet. Paul dropped anecdotes of high speed chases through Eight Mile that sounded straight out of the TV show Cops. He also revealed the incident that had caused him to turn in his badge. A Mexican stand off with drug dealers on the side of the road where he was seconds away from pulling the trigger as the driver reached for something in his lap. Now he just choofed weed and kicked back and enjoyed life.

The party continued into the night and was only brought to an end when the Captain threatened to turn the lights off at Midnight. The odd spot of the night was watching the crew painting the ship and carrying out miscellaneous maintenance tasks at 11pm. It seems that the boats are in 24/7 use and such times are the only windows for upkeep.

The chugging of the boat getting underway woke me at first light and even with a hangover the sight of the sheer cliffs passing by in the early morning light was magnificent. Cat Ba island was the destination and it was here that we would say farewell to our boat. As we headed with our packs to the waiting bus the local touts emerged with their predictable pitches. As we got on the bus the driver joked with us greeting us “Hello Five Thousand?”.

After we checked into our hotel the English teachers piked out on the days scheduled activities and hit the beach nursing sore heads. We however decided to pursue the jungle trek option. The itinerary had promised a ten kilometre hike through national park and three valleys up to a spectacular peak. What they didn’t reveal was that the peak with its lookout was in the first kilometre with the remaining hiking an aimless trek along rough jungle tracks and over boulders to a point midway up another peak four kilometres distant where we simply turned around and headed back. Along the return journey our guide managed to loose us and we spent ten minutes backtracking down a rock strewn pathway to find our missed turn.

After lunch back at the hotel we piled on board the bus again for the short trip back to the dock where would meet our boat that would take us for an afternoons kayaking. Soon we were in the water paddling our two person boats following our guide who was setting a good pace out in front with the usual disregard for those following.  After paddling for about four kilometres and by passing several sun drenched beaches we arrived at a shaded beach where the guide had decided we would swim. After a group conference it was decided to over ride our guide and paddle across to another beach that was still in sun light. By the time we reached this new shore our non Eskimo forearms were starting to ache from the unusual excursion.

At night the Cat Ba waterfront is lit up like the Grizwald’s at Christmas. This memorial to the cheap and tacky is complimented by equally tawdry shops, karaoke bars, and brothels bathed in pink light and fronted by lines of white dressed hookers batting teenage eyelashes at passers by with offers of massages and whispered “boom boom” extras. Worn out from a days exercise and the night before’s partying we decided to have an early night only to be greeted on our return to our hotel suite by the doof doof booming of the roof top nightclub getting underway. Regardless we were asleep almost as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

Part 1 - Saigon
Part 2 - Cu Chi
Part 3 - The Reunification Express
Part 4 - Nha Trang
Part 5 - Hoi An
Part 6 - My Son
Part 7 - Hue
Part 8 - The Dee Em Zee
Part 9 - Hanoi
Part 10 - Ha Long Bay